How Strict Parents Create Sneaky Children (And What You Can Do Instead).

 Have you ever caught your child lying, sneaking screen time, or hiding things from you, and wondered, Why would they do that?

You’re not alone. Many loving parents unknowingly create environments where kids feel the need to be secretive. It’s not because these children are “bad” or naturally dishonest, it’s often because they’re scared of how we’ll react.

In this post, we’ll explore how strict parenting creates sneaky behavior in children, share real-life examples, and offer realistic, expert-backed solutions to raise open, emotionally secure kids instead.

 Related: Why Kids Lie and What You Can Do About It

• What Does "Strict Parenting" Really Mean?

1. High expectations without flexibility

1. Harsh punishments for minor mistakes

1. Little room for negotiation

1. Emotional distance between parent and child.

• Why Do Strict Parents End Up Creating Sneaky Children?

• Research Says…

• How Sneaky Behavior Evolves Over Time.

• Sneaky kids often develop:

• Low self-esteem

• Poor problem-solving skills

• Chronic dishonesty

• Difficulty trusting adults, even as teens

• How to Prevent Sneaky Behavior Without Being Permissive.

• What If You’ve Already Been Too Strict?

• Apologize when necessary: A simple “I know I’ve been too hard on you sometimes, and I want to do better” goes a long way.

• Create open-ended conversations daily: Ask questions like “Was there anything you wanted to tell me today but didn’t feel sure about?”

• Model honesty: Share your own small mistakes. Kids learn by example.

• When to Be Firm (Without Being Harsh)

• Strict parenting might feel like the path to discipline, but without warmth, it often leads to fear, dishonesty, and distance. Kids raised under constant control learn to protect themselves by hiding the truth, not because they’re bad, but because they’re scared.

Strict parenting isn’t just about having rules. It often involves:

These methods might seem like the best way to “keep kids in line,” but in reality, they can backfire, teaching children how to hide their mistakes instead of learning from them.

Something that happened in my neighborhood.

Ada, a 14-year-old living in Lagos, wasn’t allowed to use a smartphone. Her parents believed phones would distract her from schoolwork. But nearly all her classmates were online, chatting, sharing jokes, and bonding through social media.

Feeling left out, Ada secretly borrowed her cousin’s old phone and joined her class WhatsApp group using free school Wi-Fi. She hid the phone in a shoebox under her bed.

A day came, her mother found it while cleaning. The result? Yelling, grounding, and complete phone bans.

But Ada wasn’t trying to be rebellious. She just didn’t want to feel alone. Her behavior wasn’t driven by disrespect, it was shaped by fear.

Let’s break down the psychology behind it. Children raised under rigid discipline often adopt survival behaviors that prioritize avoiding punishment over building character.

1. Fear 

When a child is too afraid to be honest, they learn to lie, hide, or manipulate instead of owning their actions.

2. Rules Without Relationship = Rebellion

Rules aren’t bad, but without a warm relationship, children see them as unfair. They stop asking “What can I learn?” and start thinking “How can I not get caught?”

3. Mistakes Are Not Safe.

If every error results in yelling or punishment, children start to believe mistakes are unforgivable. So, they cover them up to avoid judgment.

Reference: A study from the University of New Hampshire found that children raised by authoritarian (very strict) parents are more likely to lie or become emotionally withdrawn. While the rules might be followed short-term, they often harm long-term trust and honesty.

Conversely, authoritative parents, who combine structure with empathy, tend to raise more honest, cooperative children.

Related post: which parenting style is best for your kids 

When kids learn that truth leads to punishment, they get creative. What starts as hiding a broken plate or a forgotten homework assignment can grow into bigger issues in the teenage years, like lying about friends, relationships, or dangerous behavior.

And sadly, these patterns can persist into adulthood.

I could vividly remember James, a quiet 10-year-old, lived in a home where only A's were acceptable. After scoring 69% on a math test, he panicked. He used a pencil and eraser to change the grade on the paper before showing his parents.

He got caught.

When asked why he did it, he said, “Because I didn’t want Dad to shout at me. I just wanted him to be proud.”

That sentence reveals so much: James didn’t want to deceive, he just feared disapproval.

You don’t have to abandon structure to build trust. In fact, the healthiest homes offer clear boundaries and open communication. Here’s how to balance both:

1. Create Emotional Safety.

Make home a place where it’s okay to be imperfect. Start small: when your child confesses a mistake, thank them for their honesty before discussing consequences.

Try this:

"Thank you for telling me the truth. I know that wasn’t easy."

Then: "Now let’s figure out how we can fix this together."

2. Let Natural Consequences Do the Teaching.

If your child forgets their school supplies, let them face the consequence at school. It builds responsibility without you having to scold or punish.

See More on: Figure it out parenting (FAFO parenting)

3. Talk Through Rules Together.

Instead of enforcing rules unilaterally, involve your child in the conversation. This helps them understand the “why” behind your limits.

Example: “I don’t want you on TikTok right now because you’re still learning how to navigate online spaces safely. Let's agree on age-appropriate alternatives.”

4. Praise Honesty Over Perfection.

Let your child know that you value truth more than flawless behavior. This shifts the focus from “don’t get in trouble” to “let’s figure this out together.”

 5. Focus on Connection Before Correction.

Start with empathy:

"You must’ve been scared to tell me. I get that."

Then move to discipline that teaches, not shames.

Don’t worry, it’s not too late to rebuild trust. Here’s how to start:

Helpful read: Real life Parenting Tips for Toddlers That Actually Work.

Firm parenting isn’t the enemy. Children need structure, but it works best when combined with empathy. 

In Conclusion;

If your goal is to raise honest, open, and emotionally healthy children, the answer isn’t tighter rules, it’s stronger connection.

So the next time your child lies or sneaks around, don’t just ask what they did. Ask why they felt they couldn’t come to you in the first place.

That’s where true parenting growth begins.